So, for people who don't know Hockey:— Elias Toufexis (@EliasToufexis) February 23, 2020
The Carolina Hurricanes' two goalies both got injured. So they had to use a guy they didn't know, who drives the Zamboni for their opponent. They paid him 500 bucks.
And he won the game! https://t.co/Ioej2iarvh
My mans out here killing it 😭😭😭😭 pic.twitter.com/OBGHn6iaQi— ClaseElClásico 🇩🇴 (@_greattscott) February 22, 2020
expand to see why this is the most relatable pic of a presidential candidate u have ever seen in your life pic.twitter.com/sYMltdMNB3— josh androsky (@ShutUpAndrosky) February 22, 2020
For the love of god UNMUTE THIS pic.twitter.com/MA48mit8MX— Nerd Girl Says (@Rachael_Conrad) February 23, 2020
It finally happened! The flight attendant asked "is there a doctor on this flight?" and I leapt up and said yes!— ashi 🏳️🌈 (@rakshesha) February 23, 2020
Did a tracheotomy at 30,000ft with a razor blade and ballpoint pen.
He didn't make it, but the thrill was undeniable. Thinking of going to doctor school now.
— Rachel Sennott (@Rachel_Sennott) February 23, 2020
If you aren't happy single, you won't be happy taken. Happiness comes from drugs, not relationships— 873 (@monstermike197) February 23, 2020
I was in the bathroom when a friend sent me an XXX video. I played it but there was no sound.— ᏚᎢᎬᎬᏞ ™ (@TheWidowmakerX) February 23, 2020
I increased the volume but still no sound. I watched it for 5 mins before I remembered my phone was connected to the Bluetooth in the living room.
My entire family was in there.
Since there was no SNL this week to clown the debate, I just watched this TikTok four hundred times pic.twitter.com/vHQGajijyc— Blake Montgomery (@blakersdozen) February 24, 2020
It's easier to get on Netflix for murder than comedy.— Jason Allen (@JasonAComedy) February 24, 2020
Let's be real about something, y'all: nobody wants to work in a "fast-paced environment."— Lachrista Greco 🔮 (@lachristagreco) February 24, 2020
— demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) February 25, 2020
When your consultants watched a lot of game footage pic.twitter.com/Gf5ZkkNe0Z— Sawyer Hackett (@SawyerHackett) February 25, 2020
— Perfectly Cut Screams (@AAAAAGGHHHH) February 25, 2020
"I didn't wanna look at another crying meme..." 😂 pic.twitter.com/9zFFo3cDhd— TSN (@TSN_Sports) February 24, 2020
not been this tense watching a door since Parasite https://t.co/aTvbLXFwM9— Helen Kingston (@kingstonwrites) February 24, 2020
— Hannah Tiede (@HannahTiedeTV) February 25, 2020
birthday cards don't be coming with checks no more. which is wild because 12 year old me didn't need that $50 like 31 year old me needs that $50. our system is broken.— Candice (@spinnellii) February 25, 2020
high school really had us drinking milk with hamburgers at 11:30AM— yung payment plan (@ogneen) February 25, 2020
Klobuchar said the vaccine for the corona Virus is in some kid's head in West Virgina. Find this goddam kid. NOW!!!!!!!!— Norm Macdonald (@normmacdonald) February 26, 2020
Always great to be reminded that our country is being led by a racist golden retriever https://t.co/4UcMmBWF9z— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) February 25, 2020
Nobody's mentioned that Harvey Weinstein leaving the courthouse w/out his walker is the greatest guilty verdict rapist miracle healing since Cosby's blindness.— John Fugelsang (@JohnFugelsang) February 25, 2020
What does it mean when your poop floats.— Joe List (@JoeListComedy) February 26, 2020
Not in the water, but in the air above the toilet.
My lawyer talmbout "My client can pass a drug screen TODAY" Jeff Jeff chill out— I'm not from 63rd (@Gresham2x) February 25, 2020
bloomberg says he wants to give money to fund treatment for marijuana users. what's the disease, being cool as fuck?— The Gravel Institute (@GravelInstitute) February 26, 2020
A guy on the TTC called me a "fucking bitch" after I asked (nicely) if he could move his bag so a pregnant woman could sit down. I responded by telling him everyone dies at the end of the book he was reading. I have no clue if they do, but it seemed like an appropriate response— Lisa WhittingtonHill (@nerdygirly) February 26, 2020
I am excited to announce that I did not get the job! https://t.co/IvGu6a5RJz— Natalie (@jbfan911) February 26, 2020
I don't know how I thought suitcases were made but this wasn't it pic.twitter.com/LmBxmvsOv3— Lance 🇱🇨 (@Kinglrg_) February 25, 2020
DAUGHTER: Are ghosts real, daddy?— Chris Locke aka Weird "Pal" Lockevich (@chrislockeworld) February 26, 2020
ME: I don't know I'm just as dumb as you
NBC reporter: "It seemed like you were almost arguing & debating with the crowd."— Siddak Ahuja (@SiddakAhuja) February 26, 2020
Bernie: "Ahh, interesting question! You know how much a ticket to the debate cost? $1,750. Most working people I know don't spend $1750 on a debate."pic.twitter.com/LlErigZzPm
(at my first rodeo) holy shit I have no idea what's going on— big homie kratom (@KWholesaler) February 26, 2020
— Justin Phan (@jphanned) February 26, 2020
Check out this meme the 11-year-old boy I'm babysitting made pic.twitter.com/09Q4ir4ug9— ˗ˏˋuıʍʇʎdəəɹɔˎˊ˗👑King of the Reply Guys🗨️🐌 (@creeptwin) February 26, 2020
— The Morally Corrupt Tay Resnick (@SweetTayPie0104) February 26, 2020
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops— Kivan (@KivanBay) February 26, 2020
The coronavirus outbreak has me thinking back to when I was a server and worked a week straight while I was really sick and it turns out I had the swine flu and was probably spreading it to everyone because I couldn't take off work and I'm sure that will happen with this— Lauren Rinaldi (@LRinaldiArt) February 27, 2020
Seems like a lot of time to die https://t.co/54Ta1SYKam— Rose Dommu (@rosedommu) February 27, 2020
The girl in front of me googled "med school GPA" and then immediately after googled "what can I do with a biology degree".— Cain 🤯 (@KinerdMccain) February 26, 2020
I have witnessed someone face reality.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this— Shafeeq (@Y2SHAF) February 26, 2020
Love this. My buddy is nervous because his long-distance girlfriend asked him to send her a dick pic. This is what your crew is for. pic.twitter.com/Kovix1hC4r— Dan White (@atdanwhite) February 26, 2020
I went to the scholastic book fair and they have a book about a time travelling dog that escapes 9/11 pic.twitter.com/C54gfijZyZ— Lord Beef (@lordbeef) February 28, 2020
how to process your emotions in a healthy way (i think)— Matt. (@MattTheBrand) February 27, 2020
- buy a new candle
- take a 45 min shower
- drink coffee until you throw up
- overshare online
March: Bernie clinches nomination— bernie soprano (@berniesoprano) February 27, 2020
May: Coronavirus envelops world
July: 15% of Boomers dead
September: Trumps base decimated
November: Bernie rides populist wave to landslide victory
Jan 2021: Universal healthcare resurrects James Gandolfini
Fall 2021: New Sopranos Episodes
the terrifying thing about an outbreak that requires people not to leave their homes for 90 days is it means the only ones to survive will be freelance writers— Sam Adams (@SamuelAAdams) February 27, 2020
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) February 27, 2020
President Obama set up anti-pandemic programs in 47 vulnerable countries, as a way to protect against something just like Coronavirus breaking out across the world.— Chris Murphy (@ChrisMurphyCT) February 27, 2020
Experts begged Trump to keep them open.
He closed 37 of them.
Always. https://t.co/xvKErzmF8U— Julia Louis-Dreyfus (@OfficialJLD) February 28, 2020
Alternative Headline:— Chris in Tacoma (@Chatham253) February 28, 2020
38% of Americans are so fucking stupid they can't tell the difference between a communicable disease and a beer. https://t.co/JOa0DTYrZ2
This really didn't go the way he intended she really pulled those receipts out sksjdksksjd pic.twitter.com/X5wP4InTwg— A (@akameant) February 28, 2020
Reality TV show where 20 intensely transphobic women are put in a house together and told one of them is secretly trans— 🌶Caitlin Spice🌶 (@CateSpice) February 28, 2020